Last Saturday night, I went to Kyle Mountain Club’s Dinner and Ceilidh. I wore a sequinned dress, black patent peep-hole shoes, a sparkly scarf, a jewelled black cardigan and enormous silver earrings. I also wore make-up – with sparkles of course. And I felt so utterly comfortable and at ease with myself. I spent the entire evening chatting with friends, some that I hadn’t seen for years, and I felt completely at home doing that. I didn’t feel the facial rictus that I’ve had before when talking to friends who I was pretty sure didn’t really want to speak to me. I didn’t resort to the default of trying to be the funny one, i.e. they won’t walk away if I keep them laughing. And I did all of this without one alcoholic drink passing my lips – no, it wasn’t injected either!
I did this by letting go of the past and finally coming into my power. I now recognise that I am an incredibly strong, powerful woman and I’m so proud of that – out and proud of Carole!! I have hidden so much of me for such a long time and it’s an absolute joy to let go of that hiding and be able to celebrate being me.
I would also acknowledge that I absolutely loved the compliments! I revelled in them and really enjoyed being recognised as an attractive, desirable female.
For many years I tried to hide my femininity behind a wealth of disguises and behaviours. I was scared to be seen as female, so hid my body shape behind baggy T-shirts, sweatshirts, tracky bottoms and jeans. My hair was spiky short and the thought of make-up never arose. I was very aggressive towards most people – not because I disliked people, but because I was too scared to let them in. If I let them in, they might see behind the disguise and the thought of that happening was unbearable.
And, of course, I drank………..and drank ……………and drank…………….and then I drank a little bit more for good measure. In social situations, the first couple were for courage; the next two would be for pleasure; all the others would be to blot out, to hide and to numb the pain of issues I could not bring myself to face.
Over the two and a half years, I’ve dealt with most of these issues – hard, hard work but so incredibly beneficial. And for the last five months, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. I don’t even think about drinking any longer and certainly don’t feel any issues in social settings, I chose not to drink – end of story.
My journey with clothes, hair and make-up has been challenging, intense and scary at times, but it has also been so very rewarding. Lots to talk about, so I’m going to make that into a separate blog.
I recognise that I am the one who has done all the hard work, cried all the tears, screamed in frustration and also smiled when I made a breakthrough – I’m so proud of the fact that I kept going. I would, however, like to acknowledge the incredible help and support that Gillian Alexander of Sacred Touch has provided on this journey – her work is excellent and I would recommend her without hesitation.
The last words of thanks go to my glamorous twin sister – I called into to see her on the way to the dinner and she was fulsome in her joy, said I looked gorgeous. When she asked if she could borrow my sparkly dress at some point, I knew that I looked good!!