On Sunday, I’m doing one of the bravest things I’ve done for years – I’ve signed up for a three-week knitting course. That might not sound very brave to most people, but it is a big deal to me. What if I can’t manage to cast on? Does anyone understand that I will die if that is the case? What if I can’t understand what I’m being told? Does anyone understand that I will die if that is the case? What if the others in the class don’t like me? Does anyone understand that I will die if that is the case? What if they do like me, and want to start a friendship? Does anyone understand that I may die if that is the case? What if there’s a man I’m attracted to sitting beside me? Oh shit……………
Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of rejection? Fear of anything and everything if I’m honest. I’ve allowed fear to rule my life for longer than I care to remember. Fear of being seen as a sexual woman and fear of my power have been two constants in my life. I’ve done masses of work on myself over the last seven years – in sessions, workshops and retreats – and have addressed many of the issues that hid behind fear.
And yet my physical body still works on the basis that something awful may well happen in each and every minute; I live in a fight or flight state and am always waiting for that bloody tiger to walk around the corner.
I was hill-walking with close friends a couple of weeks ago and one of them played a daft joke on me on a bridge in the middle of a beautiful forest path. In that instant, I thought I was about to die. I roared and screamed at my friend and ran down the path to find a place of safety on my own; if that place of safety hadn’t been available, I know I could have killed to keep myself safe.
I feel safe in my own house. I feel safe with the very small number of people that I trust and have ‘let in’. But I don’t want to live in a state of fear the rest of life.
So………….knitting class on Sunday it is. Part of me is looking forward to the challenge, part of me is a bit scared but I am going to stick with it and will make the most of every minute of the class. I shall probably start off with a scarf, but my goal (over time) is to knit a pair of wonderfully colourful socks – lofty ambition often succeeds!!